What did Beethoven, Helen Keller, Albert Schweitzer, Buddha all have in common?
Warning: The following paragraphs contain subject matter that might be described as "deep" and "meaningful" by some and "dreary" and "boring" by others. If prone to headaches, insomnia or mild depression, please do not read on.
I have been so far away (literally and figuratively) for over a year from my "old" life as a full-time musician/teacher/examiner/workaholic that I have finally had the chance to make some discoveries about life itself. Someone recently said to me that what I was experiencing was important, challenging and life-changing all at once, because most of us are so busy living life and going through the motions (work, home, shopping, friends, buy things, babies, qualifications) that we barely scratch the surface of life itself. I began questioning things about eighteen months ago, and I remember writing about that experience on this blog (though I could be wrong - sometimes I think I have written something and typed it up for the blog, but it remains in my notebook, far from cyberspace). It was painful to question everything that you have been conditioned to believe from your teenage years. Some would say, conditioning begins when you're still a kid, but in my case, I think I was a pretty strange sort of kid, who lived in a strange way, on my own terms, until I reached the age of 16 or 17.
~CONDITIONING~
Not all "conditioning" is a bad thing, but I'll come back to that point in a bit. What is bad is just how strong and potent this conditioning can be and how it can influence the decisions we make as adults. In India, when I was growing up as a teenager, the conditioning was all about topping school exams to get into good colleges and fill your mind with knowledge while creating the best possible employment opportunities for yourself. In India today, a lot of teenagers are conditioned to think that the money making opportunities that exist in call center jobs will guarantee them a good life, certainly better than the life of a teacher or nurse. Parents who really should not be parents project their own unfulfilled ambitions, repressed desires and deepest disappointments on to their children, expecting them to live the picture perfect lives that they themselves aspired to when they were young.
Freedom of thought is encouraged on a superficial level i.e. "yes, do go to university" or "yes, do get a qualification to show how clever, talented, brilliant you are" but never at a deeper level i.e. "why are we on this earth" or "what is the difference between love, desire, fulfillment and bliss". All that stuff is buried, never addressed, because it is just not important, or too complicated. As a result, whether you're Indian, American or Irish, middle class or super rich, you go through the motions of life, with its twists and turns without really delving deeper to understand the mind, body or soul.
The biggest disappointment for me, personally, when I finally gained a level of professional accomplishment in my career as a pianist/music educator was that I was essentially living in a bubble like existance which did stimulate my mind, sure, but only on that same superficial level. I mean, the beggar on the street in Poona, India doesn't really care if I play a concert in front of a thousand people, or does he give a damn about Bach or Rachmaninov. I realized that applause, the heady high of a recital, the buzz that came from planning and preparing and rehearsing was superficial, because at night, after it was all over, I would rest my head in bed and realize that the problems of the world are not miraculously over because I played a concert! Or got a standing ovation! I also realized that everyone from concert promoter to audience member, from page turner to musician was just doing a job. Yes, a more exciting job when compared to answering phones or stacking shelves, but a job all the same. I remember the Head of an Irish music college's Keyboard Department saying to me once "I would be reluctant to send some of my pupils to play at your concert because you allow absolutely anyone to play, not just conservatory students". I thought to myself "yes, because you're just irritated that this is just one way I can somehow turn this JOB of being a musician into serving members of my community, by allowing people who would normally be excluded from participating." Of course, colleges, conservatories would never understand that, because they too are trying to maintain the air of importance while conforming to a conditioning of their own.
I resisted the urge to question for a long time, for questioning leads to all sorts of upset, all sorts of heartache and regret - if only I had done this, if only I hadn't done that, if only, if only. But questioning also leads to a feeling of inner calm and paves the way to freedom. Not because you suddenly have all the answers - because you realize you are no longer running away, or blindly following the herd. It has never been easy being poor and yet pursuing a profession/career i.e. classical music that has NEVER been easy for someone with little money. So leaving it, or walking away from it, and all that goes with it has brought with it another sort of freedom. I no longer feel like I need the validation of other people (music critics, parents of students) to make me feel a success or failure. Dr Albert Schweitzer didn't say " oh, I'm now a great organist, a foremost interpreter of Bach, I'm going to do nothing else in my life but play concerts". He studied medicine, wrote books on theology and philosophy, worked as a humanitarian and doctor in Africa and championed the cause for animals. ALL IN THE COURSE OF ONE LIFE TIME!
Helen Keller summed it up perfectly when she wrote "..in college there is no time to commune with one's thoughts. One goes to college to learn, it seems, not to think. When one enters the portals of learning, one leaves the dearest pleasures - solitude, books and imagination - outside with the whispering pines. I suppose I ought to find some comfort in the thought that I am laying up treasures for future enjoyment, but I am improvident enough to prefer present joy to hoarding riches against a rainy day."  |
| Beethoven |
Another absolutely superb learning experience for me, has been to discover freedom in music. Leaving the whole "business" of music behind has resulted in me actually playing and making music with a sense of let go, I suppose it is because there cannot be any ego anymore. Even though I spend less time at the piano now than ever before, I am actually able to learn more music than ever before because my mind is free to absorb every note, every phrase without the subconcious feeling that I have to perform the work for an audience in 2 weeks time, or play it a certain way. With freedom comes a deeper understanding of the composer's intentions, but also a natural desire to improvise, and to make the actual experience of playing the piece a deeply personal, spiritual experience where the emotional high is far greater than the applause of a couple of hundred people in a concert hall. And concert opportunities, or "performance opportunities" can exist anywhere and everywhere, from a nursing home or hospital to a church hall or street corner; just think of Moondog, truly a "God" amongst composers, and one who would give Bach a run for his money when it came to writing profoundly beautiful counterpoint - he is one of my heroes.
Now remember when I wrote that not all conditioning is a bad thing? Sometimes, many positive thoughts, ideas and feelings can be transferred from parent to child, teacher to pupil, television to human being (!). I know now that some of my strongest values are ones that were passed on to me by my grand-parents, parents or teachers - be it a love and reverance for animals and nature, marriage, parenting, whatever the case may be. There have been times when I have deliberately or subconsciously gone against this conditioning, and nearly always experienced much pain and upset as a result. But by and large, I am learning, albeit slowly that questioning everything and delving a little deeper is not a bad thing. To live and exist in society you do need to conform to an extent, otherwise you will simply not be able to sustain a reasonable way of life amongst other people - of course if you are willing to live like a Buddha or Moondog, then it is possible, but for most of us that is too difficult and unreasonable. Still, there is a freedom in living life on your own terms, and finding contentment (happiness is a word that is overrated, overused and misunderstood) in what you do and who you are. The brilliant Vedanta teacher Swami Parthasarathy describes so beautifully and eloquently that "YOU are the creator of your destiny. There is no extraneous power controlling your life. No God shaping your destiny. God has nothing to do with the type of thought, desire and action emanating from you. He does not determine their nature. No doubt God is the supreme power which enables you to think, desire and act. But the quality of your activities is entirely your making. You are the architect of your life. You are responsible for its positive or negative character. You make or mar yourself."
For many years I have ignored this most logical explanation to the events in my life. It is liberating when you know that nobody else, no teacher, no boss, no critic, no friend can influence the way your destiny maps out. Imagine it this way - if Bach had known, when he was writing the Goldberg Variations, that his music would be ignored for nearly 200 years after his death OR if he had known that in 1955 a young Canadian pianist would make this work stand out the coolest piece of music in the classical repertory, would it have altered the way Bach lived his life? No!! Of course not! Bach simply did what he loved to do - write music, play music, teach music, make love to his beautiful young wife, without thinking too much about his destiny and what would happen if he wrote this work and that work! Beethoven famously clenched his fist at *fate* or *destiny* as if to say, "God - whatever or whoever you are, you may have caused me to go deaf, but you aren't going to make me stop writing music" - he took something so negative and transformed it into something positive thereby MAKING himself, not destroying himself.
Back to the words of the great Miss Keller - "Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content."
Here ends today's stream of consciousness.
